Here's to 2018

My greatest weaknesses are overthinking and insecurity with myself.  I write this on a night after many nights of not enough sleep.  My weaknesses are in hyper drive and I need to somehow find a release, so here's hoping.

I am in a new relationship of one week and one day.  We've been kind of seeing each other for a few months before this.  He's a guy who's just about as honest as it gets (or at least as honest as I've ever seen).  He's really like no other guy to me.  And I am so confused.

To make this as simple as possible, I'm going to create a pros and cons list about my feelings, as cliche as that is.  It's the easiest way for me to compare and reflect on.

Pros:

• I feel like I can be myself around him and I don't have to change my beliefs and values to fit his
• with jackson, I was constantly in the wrong and I needed to change myself
• I feel like I'm much more independent than my last relationship where it was all dependency-- something I'd never been before and quite frankly, it's been hard to come back from
• along with that, I want to say I feel like we're each our own person who are together-- not two halves that make a whole
• He's a good person despite the front he puts up.  
• I can't tell you how good it feels when he does affirm is feelings for me.  When he holds me, kisses me and he rolls his eyes, holding my hand, even just sometimes when he looks at me and smiles

Cons:

• He's not great at expressing his feelings- I don't know where I stand with him until he decides to tell me and if he decides to tell me 
• to further elaborate, I can't tell if he's losing interest in me and I find that so hard to deal with
• Because of his honesty, I struggle when he talks about how attractive other girls are or talking about all the hot girls on porn.  I get that there are so many attractive people in the world, but it only makes me compare myself to them or wonder if I am good enough
• He's not a great communicator.  He doesn't really like to text, so it's hard right now over winter break with not seeing him

I literally cause myself to stress over shit like this.  I can't stand not knowing and I look into things that don't mean a thing to him.  I just am waiting for one of those things to start meaning something to him and for him to tell me I'm not what he wants anymore.

I think a really big part of this is just the fact that I'm not seeing him everyday like I was used to.  Which of course then makes me worry about the summer break.

So now, my goals for this new year are as follows:

• stop overthinking
• know my self worth and understand I am good enough for someone 
• find better ways to cope with stress rather than cry, become passive aggressive or shutting down, netflix, etc.
• better fitness 
• become a saver not a spender!! you don't need that sweater 

Here's to 2018