From the Depths of Hell

Hell is a relative place in my opinion.  Hell can be school, home, work, or even a person.  Maybe Hell is even a time in your life.  I find myself peering through the storm drain from the deep depths of Hell, and comparing it to a life I used to live.

This week I think I can confidently say I have experienced my first heart break.  Can't wait to go through this again.  Never have I ever felt so weak and broken.  I wake up every morning and find myself actually muttering the words, "I am broken."  I don't know how to eat or sleep, I feel the waves crashing over me faster than I can come up to breathe.  

I feel so confused.  I cannot understand what happened and all I'm wondering is why I wasn't enough.  I put my all into this; my whole heart was out in the open.  But I was in denial and I was stupid.  And I can't figure out why my whole heart was not enough for someone, not enough for him.  I knew that Hayden wasn't really an emotional guy and relationships aren't his thing.  So why go for him, why throw myself out there, naked and vulnerable, to be tossed away like trash??  I put myself through this pain to be close to him only to have it ripped away, and I can't figure out how to move on from it.

The tennis racket from Valentine's Day is like a constant reminder of what could've been and what was.  It meant so much to me and I don't want it anymore, it makes me sad.  Only five days before he broke up with me, he had given me that racket when I woke up for work.  I had never had a Valentine's Day that I genuinely felt appreciated and happy and this was one for the books.  All I can think about is how happy I was then and how I feel now.

I feel like I didn't just lose a boyfriend.  Hayden was the person I chose to spend my free time with and the person I talked to.  I lost my boyfriend and best friend, not to mention my social life.  I was friends with all of his roommates and the people down the hall and across from it.  I lost it all.  All of the sudden I feel so alone and just sad with my thoughts.

As if that wasn't enough.  

The question has always stood with me.  Am I going have relationship issues in the future? Do I and/or will I have "daddy issues?"  Paul stopped being a father the second my mom was gone.  That was already concerning enough considering the shit I went through with him for five-ish years.  Then Andy stepped in and sort of assumed that role in my life, to some degree.  And then he fucking flew over the line, right when I thought I wold have a father.  No girl should have her "stepdad" ask for pictures in a "nighty" and call it cute.  No girl should get drunk texted by her "stepdad" when he's lonely and wishing for pictures from a bra fitting.  "I can't imagine how you hide D's" he said.  Having my heart broken by a stupid boy was enough for a while.  And then this?  I now don't feel like I have a family.  My mom is blind to him, thinking he's the perfect man.  I can't blame her though, she doesn't see it.  My sister is trapped at home with them and I am so worried she's going to go through what I feel now.  Not mention my lack of a support system.  Ellie has been so incredibly supportive throughout all of this, but she isn't here to help me pick myself up, she can only answers my calls so often.  I lost the friends I had up here, my family safe like I always thought it would be, I have no one.