Updates
We're on the last day of January and I'm fine!! This post is probably going to be all over the place, but I just want to hit some of the points that I mentioned in my last post as an update.
Getting adjusted to my new schedule has been more difficult than not, for both school and work. I wish I could be taking more classes though, I feel like I'm so far behind my friends. I also feel super unproductive, but that could partly be because Hayden reminds me.
I want to work out. I don't know where my motivation is, but it's not there. I'm worried I'm getting fat, which doesn't make a lot of sense since I barely eat. But I guess when I do eat, it's usually junk. I know working out would be great! There really aren't any drawbacks to me doing it, I just haven't. I feel like it's partly because I don't know what I'm doing. I love running! It makes me feel good and you can't really screw that up. But lifting and working out your body in other ways is trickier because your form could be wrong and I care way too much about looking like an idiot. I'm also pretty self-conscious about my red face. People will always ask me if I'm okay, like yes, I can't control it and it just happens but I'M FINE! I hope I can find that motivation.
Things with Hayden are pretty good. I really like him, but I still struggle with reading him. But on the plus side, I feel like I'm getting the slightest bit better with jealousy and communication. I'm pretty proud of myself!
Recently, I've been missing Ellie a lot. I've even been missing Kelsey. I feel like no one compares to Ellie for me. We had such a strong connection and I feel like we really understood each other. I want to see her and her family, but I don't think I will ever be able to afford it. I also haven't had a "best friend" or even a really close friend since Ellie. Since I've started my life here in Utah, I've been spending time with Hayden and his friends, both in my past relationship and now. It's definitely not a bad thing, I really enjoy everyone, but I look at myself and see the only people I hang out with are my boyfriend and his roommates. I'm pretty protective, so I can see that being a big part of it. I just wish Ellie was here. But since I feel like I'm making better connections at work (the Hub), I feel like I might have more opportunities to branch out. I guess we'll just see if I can convince myself to let go for a minute and do it.
Edit: So I'm sitting here crying after a long day and long night, only to realize I have no one to go to when I'm sad. No best friend to hold me and make me feel better. What's worse is that I realized I never used to cry this much or be this week. I can probably count on one hand all the times Ellie had seen me cry in our friendship of 4 years.
Getting adjusted to my new schedule has been more difficult than not, for both school and work. I wish I could be taking more classes though, I feel like I'm so far behind my friends. I also feel super unproductive, but that could partly be because Hayden reminds me.
I want to work out. I don't know where my motivation is, but it's not there. I'm worried I'm getting fat, which doesn't make a lot of sense since I barely eat. But I guess when I do eat, it's usually junk. I know working out would be great! There really aren't any drawbacks to me doing it, I just haven't. I feel like it's partly because I don't know what I'm doing. I love running! It makes me feel good and you can't really screw that up. But lifting and working out your body in other ways is trickier because your form could be wrong and I care way too much about looking like an idiot. I'm also pretty self-conscious about my red face. People will always ask me if I'm okay, like yes, I can't control it and it just happens but I'M FINE! I hope I can find that motivation.
Things with Hayden are pretty good. I really like him, but I still struggle with reading him. But on the plus side, I feel like I'm getting the slightest bit better with jealousy and communication. I'm pretty proud of myself!
Recently, I've been missing Ellie a lot. I've even been missing Kelsey. I feel like no one compares to Ellie for me. We had such a strong connection and I feel like we really understood each other. I want to see her and her family, but I don't think I will ever be able to afford it. I also haven't had a "best friend" or even a really close friend since Ellie. Since I've started my life here in Utah, I've been spending time with Hayden and his friends, both in my past relationship and now. It's definitely not a bad thing, I really enjoy everyone, but I look at myself and see the only people I hang out with are my boyfriend and his roommates. I'm pretty protective, so I can see that being a big part of it. I just wish Ellie was here. But since I feel like I'm making better connections at work (the Hub), I feel like I might have more opportunities to branch out. I guess we'll just see if I can convince myself to let go for a minute and do it.
Edit: So I'm sitting here crying after a long day and long night, only to realize I have no one to go to when I'm sad. No best friend to hold me and make me feel better. What's worse is that I realized I never used to cry this much or be this week. I can probably count on one hand all the times Ellie had seen me cry in our friendship of 4 years.
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