Finding Me
I'm starting this blog for myself, writing here in my bed at 1:30 am after a breakdown. I wish it wasn't true.
I have these "breakdowns" as I call them, as it is my inability to control or maintain my emotions. The worst part is that I have recently found out that I am the cause of them a majority of the time. Why you may ask? I myself don't know why I would inflict this kind of strain on myself.
To better understand and deal with this continuous issue, I look to this blog as a safety net for myself and the people I love.
~
Tonight, I got caught up in the past. I now know how ridiculous it is to get caught up in something I cannot change, but I couldn't tell myself that 20 minutes ago. I get lost in my head and I cause myself to worry and panic, creating deep and terrible thoughts. I sat here on my bed, wishing I was numb to all emotions, wishing I could turn them off, even love. It is absolute insanity to wish away love. The people I love are what makes me happy. Being IN love with someone has changed me and brought me so many feelings I never thought possible.
I have never previously been in love. I had relationships and strong feelings, but never true love. I have now found someone with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. What I did not anticipate was the crazy highs, and insane lows of being in love. I have been hurt before, and was blind until it was too late. It took a toll on my heart and psyche. I have moved on from the situation of course, but I cannot say it doesn't affect my new one. The ugly feelings of jealousy and trust issues are breaking me apart and hurting not only myself, but the person I love the most. And with the roller coaster of emotions love can bring, I only find myself with these unattractive feelings at a great extreme.
Being in this breakdown caused me to lose myself and create many unnecessary thoughts. My actions were sub par. If only I could stop and think about how NOTHING will change with the people I love just because I learned something new from the past. The past does not matter anymore and worrying about something I cannot change will only leave me missing the present.
With all that said and done, I hope I can look forward to a future of control and peace.
I have these "breakdowns" as I call them, as it is my inability to control or maintain my emotions. The worst part is that I have recently found out that I am the cause of them a majority of the time. Why you may ask? I myself don't know why I would inflict this kind of strain on myself.
To better understand and deal with this continuous issue, I look to this blog as a safety net for myself and the people I love.
~
Tonight, I got caught up in the past. I now know how ridiculous it is to get caught up in something I cannot change, but I couldn't tell myself that 20 minutes ago. I get lost in my head and I cause myself to worry and panic, creating deep and terrible thoughts. I sat here on my bed, wishing I was numb to all emotions, wishing I could turn them off, even love. It is absolute insanity to wish away love. The people I love are what makes me happy. Being IN love with someone has changed me and brought me so many feelings I never thought possible.
I have never previously been in love. I had relationships and strong feelings, but never true love. I have now found someone with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. What I did not anticipate was the crazy highs, and insane lows of being in love. I have been hurt before, and was blind until it was too late. It took a toll on my heart and psyche. I have moved on from the situation of course, but I cannot say it doesn't affect my new one. The ugly feelings of jealousy and trust issues are breaking me apart and hurting not only myself, but the person I love the most. And with the roller coaster of emotions love can bring, I only find myself with these unattractive feelings at a great extreme.
Being in this breakdown caused me to lose myself and create many unnecessary thoughts. My actions were sub par. If only I could stop and think about how NOTHING will change with the people I love just because I learned something new from the past. The past does not matter anymore and worrying about something I cannot change will only leave me missing the present.
With all that said and done, I hope I can look forward to a future of control and peace.
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