Past/ Present/ ?

What does it take to be happy?  How do you know if something (edit: I think I was meaning someone at this point, but was to scared to admit it) is worth it?  Because you can't see what the other side is like, or if you are making the wrong decision.  I am finding it really hard to see past things that shouldn't matter.

When I mentioned that there are things in the past that have been bugging me, I am referring to my current relationship.  It's not our past either, but his past.  He has had a past with many people before me, whether it's just physical or emotional or even both.  It's hard to hear about it, it makes me sad to know there were others before me and if there were any strong or continuous feelings before me, and possibly overlapping feelings.  I have been with a few people, far fewer than him, and I know that I've put my feelings in the past.  I don't know why I always question if he has too....

And then there is the partying aspect of his life.  From what I have heard about the old version of him, he has calmed down a lot, but it is still there.  I respect people's decisions to party, it's there choice.  But because I am so deep in love, it makes me so worried and concerned to even hear about the past mistakes and binge.  I just want to protect him from harms way.

Sometimes my thoughts make me miserable and I wonder if I would be happier without him.  I feel as though I have grown weak to the powers of love (edit: more like loving him).  Crying is almost a regular activity in my agenda.  I can be on cloud 9 and drop below sea level in a matter of a day.  That can't be normal, can it?  But on the other hand, losing him seems like the worst punishment I could ever receive from life.  I don't think I could make it without him, and I'm scared what'll happen to me if I ever find out.

I can't control these things from the past and I shouldn't want to.  Taking the past so hard makes him ashamed of it.  I don't want to be the dictator of a relationship, and I'm scared to lose him.  I just can't get these thoughts out of my head....

There's a reason I hate hearing about the past so much.  I think it is because the person he used to be was someone I would never love.  It's scary to think about.  It shouldn't matter now anyway because he is someone new, and by his choice.  I am with him now and I need to trust him.


I just don't know how.

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